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(from Sh'ma 12/231, April 2, 1982)

The New Jewish Wanderings

By Howard Burnham

There is a new demographic trend developing among Jews. It has a positive tone for the future in at least one important and interesting aspect. Some couples have decided to follow their married children or, more precisely, be closer to their grandchildren. Where children have moved and become established and rooted in a Sun Belt community, Mom and Dad pack up and come down.

From our vantage point, I see this mostly with newly retired persons, generally couples. The reasons seem to revolve around the parents' ability to be financially independent and to live as good, or perhaps a better, life than the one they left. Some, mostly the men, find employment in their new homes. The problem arising from separation from family no longer exists. Grandchildren have bubas and zaydes (grandparents) of their very own, in their own home town, and children can keep an eye on their parents and vice versa. Ironically, the situation appears to be working.

We see the extended family re-emerge healthy and strong. There are, as there always will be, pulls and strains. But the positive considerations seem to outweigh all other considerations. All participants in this move seem to benefit. There can and ought to be better communication and understanding since Mom and Dad now know what it means to pick up roots and make a new life. It isn't so easy and it's not so glamorous.

The older parents now face the same crisis as their children, but they seem to make the adjustment rather well. Families together, under almost any situation, are better off than families apart. Each can enjoy the pleasures of a new warmer environment; holidays remain special but consistent. Now three generation families can enjoy Shabbat together and not struggle, once a year, to get together for, let's say, Passover.

Guilt may be replaced by obstruction, but intelligent and mature people can work out most situations. The parents who choose to follow their children seem to be able to cope with their own lives without burdening their children.

What now seems to be a choice may, in the not-too-distant future, become a necessity. The rising economic and housing problem, proposed cutbacks in federal programs and social security could create a new need for multi-generational households. One mortgage is easier to pay than two. High energy costs, transportation, cutbacks particularly in services to the elderly, will make families more dependent upon individual members. This appears to be a terrible situation and yet it has its good points, since many children do not wish to abandon their aged parents. Honor thy father and mother is still a viable value. Maybe it will work. Perhaps, with help, grown children and aging parents can learn to live together, if not under one roof, certainly in one city.

A home is where the heart is. A house is where the children and parents share together.