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[Over the next month we will reprint a series of articles that originally appeared in Sh'ma in 1980 on taharat mishpacha, the laws of "family purity."]

Discussing Niddah, Mikveh, Family Purity

Observance despite reservations

Mindy Ganz-Ribner (Sh'ma 11/205, January 9, 1980)

I am writing this article from the standpoint of a strictly observant Jewish woman whose family has been observant for generations. As such, I was strongly influenced and molded by my background and never once did I doubt that I too, would follow in this tradition. It was, therefore, a priori assumption that once married I would practice the laws of taharat hamishpacha. Knowing this, I do not feel the need to justify to myself philosophically why I should observe these laws, but rather I do feel the necessity to honestly confront some troubling questions and emotions.

I must admit that I am ambivalent about these laws. For the best part of twenty six years my observance of many rituals was and remains a source of great satisfaction. The gap between the knowledge of the stated religious ideal and my capacity to reach that ideal seldom caused intellectual discomfort. For the first time however I am faced with a ritual whose observance leaves me simultaneously disturbed and uplifted. In this case, the reconciliation between my awareness of the stated ideal and my capacity to reach that ideal requires a much greater effort.

Since these laws revolve around regulating our sexual desires and behavior, which in today's society probably seems quite anachronistic to some and unnecessary to others, the "reaching" becomes all the more difficult. Living in a culture where we are constantly bombarded by blatant and subtle sexual references in advertisements, movies, clothing, etc. and where liberal sexual mores seem to be the norm, the notion of a husband and wife having to discipline their sexual desires is bothersome, to say the least. In addition, turning to control one's sexual behavior, especially on a two week on-two week off cyclical basis puts an unnatural emotional and physical stress on a marriage. For example both my husband and I have discovered that the tense moments and the infrequent quarrels seem to occur when I am a niddah and we are deprived of the comfort of physical contact.

Feelings of disappointment and emptiness

I use the word "unnatural" to describe a situation that poses a disturbing conflict for me. On one hand, as an observant Jew, I accept quite readily the Divine wisdom implicit in each commandment. If God mandated it, it was with good reason. On the other hand, if God's understanding of human nature is so far superior to ours why then do the laws of taharat hamishpacha seem to run counter to my basic biological urges? In that context, these laws are "unnatural." To observe them requires that my husband and I completely schedule our desires and needs into a set time period and then suppress those same needs and desires in the subsequent time period.

The termination of the niddah state occurs after seven full days have elapsed from the cessation of a woman's menstrual flow and culminates with the woman immersing herself in a ritual bath or mikveh. The performance of the ritual often evokes in me a certain feeling of disappointment and emptiness at my failure to achieve any spiritual "high." I remember quite the emotional letdown I experienced after going to the mikveh prior to my wedding. Having been taught that the act of immersion would suddenly transform my status from tumah to taharah (from ritual impurity to ritual purity), I naturally anticipated an overwhelming surge to occur. Needless to say, I was somewhat disappointed and puzzled when it did not happen. The full implications of this metamorphosis escaped me at the time. From a more rational standpoint, the whole process struck me as being somewhat enigmatic and magical. After spending the previous eleven years in a state of perpetual niddus (that of a menstruating woman), within a half hour that state was altered, merely by bathing thoroughly, followed by a ritual immersion. Somehow the process did not seem to be commensurate with the change it produced.

Observance also has immediate benefits

Yet in all honesty, I must admit that there is something quite gratifying both sensually and spiritually in the performance of this mitzvah (i.e. mikveh). When all is said and done, I appreciate the time I must take to ready myself for the mikveh. There are few moments in the course of my daily routine when I truly feel like a woman, unrelated to my household and mothering duties. The one time when I do experience this is when I prepare for and immerse in the mikveh. After all, what better way to become aware of my femininity than by preoccupying myself with the cleansing, both physically and spiritually, of my body, which in this case is necessary because I am a woman?

In spite of my inability to reach any lofty spiritual heights, I nevertheless have experienced, over the years, a gradual change in attitude. That my husband and I are able to handle the responsibility of preserving a certain stability within our marriage, due in large part to our observance of the laws of taharat hamishpacha, irrespective of the discomfort involved, never ceases to satisfy us. In a much broader sense, I know that I am part of a continuing tradition; women for thousands of years have been performing the same mitzvah. It is no small wonder then, that I feel a strong sense of kinship with my great grandmother and other Jewish women I have never known due simply to our common performance of this unique mitzvah.

In the four years we've been married, neither my husband nor I have found this set of laws easy on our libidos or nerves. Neither of us feel, however, that that is any reason to cease the observance. Couples we know, happily married for thirty years or more have attributed the success of their marriages to the constant discipline exacted by the laws of taharat hamishpacha. While I am still too young and am married too few years to pass such judgment, I can only hope that in thirty years time I, too, will honestly say the same.